Demons in academia

I share a lot about my demons in alpinism but the worst ones come for me in academia. I’m talking about the demons that come out when you…

- are first gen to graduate high school and the first in your family to earn a bachelors, masters, and a PhD
- hear about police brutality ON CAMPUS
- have students navigating suicide ideation
- are notified that students can’t come to class because they were sexual assaulted
- feel lucky that you haven’t been sexually assaulted or harassed by a colleague or superior (yet)
- review campus active shooter protocols
- do unpaid DEI labor in the department and it takes a toll on your research
- don’t get the results you predicted and feel stupid & worthless
- deal with imposter fears so heavy that you can’t get out of bed or feed yourself
- throw up from anxiety every day leading up to a big committee meeting
- are ashamed that your parents immigrated so you can build generational wealth but you’re barely getting by
- are single and dating becomes harder as your accomplishments and ambitions grow
- feel guilty for being a whole human with real and intense passions outside of academia

… and so many more that come up when you’re an underrepresented woman in an ego-driven space that literally designed sexism, homophobia, transphobia, racism, ableism, etc.

I am incredibly grateful to have a supportive advisor that’s invested in my education and well being. I am also grateful for my peer support system, and the group chats with friends and family that regularly remind me that I am loved and supported.

I have fought a lot of demons. I am an excellent scientist, educator, mentor, and colleague when I have bandwidth for it, but I’m realizing that just because I can survive (and thrive) in the lion’s den, doesn’t mean that’s where I should stay.

The last 6 years have been a lot. I’m tired. I need a break.